A New Day.

K and I went to go look at an apartment complex that’s closer to his work. It makes sense since he’ll be earning more, plus it’s a safe, friendly community.

I think we’re both kind of head over heels for this place. The kitchen was so spacious, so many closets & cabinets, in unit washer & dryer and they have a swimming pool, fitness center, and so many other perks. There’s cameras in the lobby, so no issues with stolen mail. They also a large mini lake on the property, and it’s right on a beautiful 15 mile trail. Aside from the price, we couldn’t have been more pleased – though to be fair, you get so much value for your money.

The commute will add another 15 minutes to my route, but the amenities make up for that. It’s definitely a place I can see us staying in for a while.

A Departure.

A few days ago, I was watching a video with K. Somewhere in the middle of the video timeline was a scene where a teen was contemplating suicide; crying, holding a gun to himself, then at their reflection in the mirror.

As someone who struggles with depression, it hit me hard. I know that feeling, what he’s going through. Society’s starting to open up and talk about depression and suicide, but actually seeing someone struggling, almost losing the battle was just too much to take in. I lost it and started crying T_T

K gently held me which made me feel so safe. I shared with him a dream I had the other night, one of those that you try to forget by burying it deep inside you in hopes it’ll fade away.

In this dream, I was being self-destructive again. Hating myself, getting away from who I am by experimenting with a concoction of drugs, overdosed and died. When he came home from a long day’s work, he found my limp body. No one else, just him in his stained signature grey work shirt. He just sat and cradled me and cried. He was all alone. I promised him I wouldn’t leave again, but I broke it… and this time was permanent.

I guess in that moment of self revulsion, I wasn’t thinking clearly and didn’t realize how it’d affect those around me, especially someone who truly loves me.

He listened quietly and held me close.