A Departure.

A few days ago, I was watching a video with K. Somewhere in the middle of the video timeline was a scene where a teen was contemplating suicide; crying, holding a gun to himself, then at their reflection in the mirror.

As someone who struggles with depression, it hit me hard. I know that feeling, what he’s going through. Society’s starting to open up and talk about depression and suicide, but actually seeing someone struggling, almost losing the battle was just too much to take in. I lost it and started crying T_T

K gently held me which made me feel so safe. I shared with him a dream I had the other night, one of those that you try to forget by burying it deep inside you in hopes it’ll fade away.

In this dream, I was being self-destructive again. Hating myself, getting away from who I am by experimenting with a concoction of drugs, overdosed and died. When he came home from a long day’s work, he found my limp body. No one else, just him in his stained signature grey work shirt. He just sat and cradled me and cried. He was all alone. I promised him I wouldn’t leave again, but I broke it… and this time was permanent.

I guess in that moment of self revulsion, I wasn’t thinking clearly and didn’t realize how it’d affect those around me, especially someone who truly loves me.

He listened quietly and held me close.

Hello, friend.

It’s been a while. I haven’t written anything in about two years now, and I think it’s time to start doing that again. The previous blog has gone poof – no back ups, no regrets. It was honestly a bit cringey. We’re starting with a fresh new slate, friend.

I was a mess; Can’t recall every detail, but I do remember being extremely up-and-down, hot and cold. I bring this up because my better half mentioned that since I’ve been seeing a doctor and taking meds (2015 to present), instead of my swings being a daily occurrence, it has expanded out to something monthly.

Today I’m able to better control my emotions and state of mind. Still a ways to go, but I’m starting to like who I am.